i dont love you, but i always will
by starchaserxonea
Summary: "This life was all he had, and he realized in that one, small second that he wanted to spend it with her; loving her." Jerza, one-shot. All rights go to Hiro Mashima.


_starts at (almost) kiss scene, ends two months after GMG (exluding and arcs after GMG arc) okay? okay. based loosely off of the song Poison and Wine - The Civil Wars. amazing song, and this ff _might _not be _based _off of it, but I listened to it on repeat while writing it, so I would suggest doing the same whilst reading it. thanks yall. (and this is dorky, silly and kind of ooc? maybe? whatever idc. just pardon any grammatical/character errors.)_

**_/ / /_**

His breath fanned across her cheeks like a calling – their lips were a centimeter apart. The sand beneath her was framing her scarlet locks perfectly. She was perfect.

Too perfect for him to stain.

The breath he was exhaling tremulously whispered out words that were a lie – a lie they both knew was pitiful and weak.

"I have a fiancé."

It came out broken and unimpressive, but her body stilled beneath his and she let him pull away; her fingers left impressions on him for weeks. He wanted nothing more than to latch onto her and never let her slip through his fingers like molten lava – burning him pure – but he let her go. Because he can never hold something so beautiful again – especially with the way he's marred her in the past.

Jellal watched her leave with steady steps and heavy heart – he could feel her heartbreak from here.

_Erza._

_**/ / /**_

She walked away from him slowly – too many times she's left him; too many times he's let her go. She wished he'd walk up behind her and wrap his arms around her and never let her leave again. She didn't want him to let her go. She didn't want him to say goodbye to her so easily – so silently. Erza gripped at the air in front of her and then latched onto her hands, willing her body to walk forward and let him decide when he was ready.

Let him figure out that she was already at the edge, ready to dive off in a flurry of kisses and last-chances. She was ready to take that leap with him. She was ready to forgive and forget.

But he wasn't, and she'd let him figure it out for himself if that's what he needed. Her lips curled in a half-hearted smile as the trees blocked his burning stare from her shoulder blades – _don't worry, Jellal, _Erza thought with a patient look in her chocolate eyes, _I already know, and I'll wait for you._

_I'm here._

_**/ / /**_

Jellal watched her silently past the hood shadowing his face. The crowd was cheering like a bomb about to hit the stadium and he didn't even care that Fairy Tail was cheering in victory – all he saw was her satisfied smile and the way her lips curved just right.

_I don't love you, Erza Scarlet, _he thought as the erratic screaming seemed to edge away and his vision focused on the way her red-_red_ hair fluttered in the breeze, _but I always will._

Her chocolate eyes flicked to his and her smile grew brighter; almost as if she was saying, _same here._

_**/ / /**_

She hated him, sometimes. Mostly those times were when he fell upon himself like a black cloud – like when he willed the shadows to swallow him whole. Erza hated him most when he believed he had no point in this life but to atone for his sins.

And maybe that was all he should do in life – she didn't know the meaning behind it all. But Erza figured that the best place to start would be here – with her, in her arms, because she was one of those people he trampled over in the past.

So maybe starting with her would be a good idea.

But the times she loved him most were when his eyes lit up – when he grew passionate about something. Or when he tried and tried and succeeded.

However, the first unhindered time she allowed herself to love him, completely and wholly, were when they were younger. His smiles were brighter than the cloudless moon and more carefree then a newborn kitten – he was the sunshine in a soulless place.

He was her sun.

Erza crossed her arms and watched him drag to drag Meredy from the bar of sweets discreetly at the King's palace. So, maybe he wasn't as bright right now – maybe his shadows were clinging to him too much – but he was still that beautiful sunlight that lights her nightmares. Her lips tilted into a smile.

She would wait for him, forever if she had to.

_**/ / /**_

He watched her, if only for a second while the dragons continued their assault, but that second lasted a lifetime in his eyes. Her sword flashed as bright as her eyes did while she dealt blow after deadly blow to the unfortunate enemy. She was graceful in battle – like an avenging angel fallen from the highest of ranks. In that moment he captured her hair flying in the right angle, framing her face perfectly but still showing her beauty and determination in a single frame – a simple second in a simple lifetime.

And in that moment he wished her could run to her and protect her from anything and everything that could ever harm her – he didn't want her to be in pain ever again. He wanted her healthy and happy and safe and sound.

He wanted her alive and by his side.

Jellal's heart seemed to still in his chest as her sword sliced down yet another monster; her chocolate eyes brimming with self-assurance and faith that everything would be okay.

And that's when he realized that she was all he would ever need in this life of his; this terribly short life that he had yet to figure out what to do with. This life was all he had, and he realized in that one, small second that he wanted to spend it with her; loving her.

_Erza… _his thoughts seemed to slow down as time sped up once more. His heart was crashing painfully and he let himself be drawn into battle once more, but that frame of her stuck in the back of his mind like a beautiful piece of art.

_Erza._

_**/ / /**_

It was two months before they spoke again, or even before they saw each other again.

Erza knows this because she counted the days with her fingers and finally came to the decision that at the three-month mark she'd find him. Well, he came to her, and her fingers had only ended up at 62. 62 very long days and nights that she'd spent without a single glimpse of the man who's been stuck in her head for exactly 62 days.

She was home. Sunlight was filtering through the windows, staining her room golden and making it seem much prettier than it actually was. And then there was a frantic knock at her door and she frowned, but rose from her chair and walked to the door, squashing down her rising hopes – though as soon as she turned the brass knob and opened it, her breath caught in her throat along with her hopes and 62 days' worth of anticipation.

"Jellal?"

_**/ / /**_

"E-Erza," her name stuttered from his lips like it always did – he was clumsy and foolish and oh-so-in-love. He just wanted her. Jellal stood leaning against her the frame of her door, panting like a moron because he ran all the way across Magnolia just to reach her doorstep because he was an idiot and he sure as hell didn't regret it. Her hair tumbled over her shoulders like the prettiest, softest waterfall and he just wanted to smile.

"I…" he had it all planned out. Every word, every action, every movement – even the simplest of kisses would be placed on those lips and then he'd wait slowly and cautiously for her reaction, for her smile or her frown or her foot inserting itself into terribly intimate places and fists being directed at cheekbones.

But it all left his head in the span of a second, and he lost himself in her eyes.

He never noticed the small flecks of green dotting the inner iris, or the light yellow framing her pupil, or how she had the prettiest, earthiest shade of brown known to man.

"I love you," it came out so suddenly and all he was doing was standing in the hallway of Fairy Hills like an idiot, but her eyes widened and her jaw dropped open cutely. It was all he was doing not to shoot himself in the head. She took a breath to respond and he noticed and he shook his head, trying to regain his bearings.

"I mean, I do, because," Jellal didn't know what to say. His words were failing him, leaving his tongue knotted and his mouth dry, "because…" then it came to him, all at once.

"Because you're Erza Scarlet," he whispered, watching her jaw shut slowly, "You're Erza Scarlet, the most beautiful person on this planet – the only person who's made me feel worthy and unworthy all at once – Erza, you're the person who's… who's made me realize that the only way I need to atone for my sins is to forgive myself. Forgive myself for all of the things I've done, for all of the people I hurt, and the only way I'd ever be able to do that is through you."

Her eyes widened impossibly larger at the admission, but he didn't stop. He couldn't. His mouth was moving on its own – all of his bottled-up thoughts and pent-up emotions tumbling out in an unrehearsed and unpracticed speech that was repetitive and didn't make any sense. His hands ran through his hair; he was growing increasingly worried with every passing second.

"Erza," he leaned closer to her, his feet barely crossing the threshold, but he didn't touch her, "Erza, you're the person who made me realize that I'll always be this horrible, self-loathing person if I don't find a reason in this one, small life. This one incredibly short human life that can't ever be repeated and I don't want to screw it up any more than I already have, so, please, Erza…" he reached out and brushed at a piece of hair covering her eyes, "Give me a chance that I don't deserve."

She was quiet for a moment as his eyes stayed glued to hers before she finally spoke, "Jellal… everyone deserves a second chance."

Her lips latched onto his before he could even think about her words, but then there was no hope of him trying to recover them, because she tasted like oranges and sunlight and all of the things in the world he'd denied himself of. More importantly, she tasted like Erza. He felt her smile against his mouth and that made him smile too – he felt more at peace than he had in years. She pulled away a second later and her breath came in a small puff; he leaned his forehead against hers and locked eyes.

"I don't have a choice," he whispered quietly as if telling her a secret, "but even if I did, I'd choose you."

"Jellal…" she pressed her lips against his again only to pull away and whisper against them, "I love you too."

_**/ / /**_

The next morning was the same; golden light filtered through her windows, birds chirped in the distance, but somehow it was incredibly different. Then his arms tightened around her and she snuggled deeper into the embrace of a person she'd grown to fall too far for.

_Jellal, _she thought to the man sleeping against her, _I always said I'd wait._

_I love you._

_**/ / /**_

_so i kinda got into the jerza mood because of _**imahappyperson's **_comment on my other jerza story, Come Home. so if you're reading this, _**imahappyperson**_, thank you for the comment and the inspiration (and thank you to every other person who reviewed that story). love you. _


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